Your Transgender Partner Is Not Being Selfish

U.A. Nigro

There are no rules or guidelines for transition. Everyone's journey down this road is slightly different as there are no two humans alike. However, all transitioning folks seem to go through a period of time where they seem to be totally wrapped up in themselves. I have heard many partners venting about how their transgender partner is totally self absorbed and lacking consideration for anyone else. Every minute of every day is all about them, and what they are going through. They are preoccupied with everything and anything having to do with transition except the partner that has decided to stand by them and be supportive. What about me? I am your spouse, I love you and I am still here.

Stop for one minute and walk a mile in their shoes. Imagine being born without sight. You have now lived in darkness for twenty, thirty, or even forty years. Then, some genius doctor comes along as says, “With this operation I can give you your sight back.” This is a five-step process that may take two years, but at the end of it you will be able to see. So you start down the road to gaining your sight for the first time. What would it be like to see your family that you have loved all your life? To watch a sunset or the snowfall? To look in the mirror and finally see yourself? All these beautiful things that you missed out on because you couldn't see. What would that really feel like? Glorious, I would imagine.


Now picture your partner telling you that you need to slow down. This is all happening too fast for them. That all you are obsessed with is being able to see. This five-step process is consuming your lives together, and they are tired of hearing about it. Day in and day out it is all about you having the ability to see. They begin to feel that you are self-absorbed and the world revolves around you. You were happy enough without your sight, and they loved you that way. They enjoyed being your eyes. They enjoyed being needed by you. Why would you want to change anything now? Our lives were just fine while you were living in the dark.


There are some days that are gorgeous and sunny, while others are stormy and cold. Some days our mood can be positively cheerful, and the following day we could be feeling down in the dumps. Everything in this life cyclical and nothing lasts forever. This is also true when thinking of the beginning of your partner’s transition. The period of time in which all they can think about is themselves. Nothing else in the world seems to matter but this one thing. Remember this too shall pass. It does and will get better. They are becoming whom they were always meant to be.

As your partner goes forward on this journey, remember self-care is super important. You are transitioning along with them in your own way. You are on your own journey to discovering yourself and you are a valuable part of this partnership. Keeping a journal is an awesome way to keep track of your feelings and your personal growth. Give each other space to explore this life-changing event. Then make sure to come together and share your own experiences and feelings. Find time everyday to focus your attention on something that you enjoy doing. Something that has nothing to do with transition. Meditate, do yoga, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, or read a good book. Just taking that little step back each day will be great for your own mental health.

Comments (6)
No. 1-6

me to friend: Hi Transitioning friend, my mother died today i could really use your support ..
Transitioning friend: oh that's horrible short pause oh this is whats happening in my transition today
Me: we talk about your transition every day, i'm going through a hard time here
Transitioning friend: oh sorry - i know, proceeds to talk more about themselves.

I'm sorry but this post is garbage and i'm tired of being told "you're a bad person for calling your trans friend selfish because i'm practically telling them not to be so self obsessed with seeing for the first time"... its this kind of accusation that makes it difficult to continue to support my trans friend... because just like any toxic relationship, to do so would put my own happiness at jeopardy. That concept right there is exactly what we encourage people NOT to do... continue to put their happiness at jeopardy to fit into society, to be themselves, be true to who they are...

I support my friend to the end of the earth, always... but my friend has become ridiculously self absorbed during this process and its unhealthy. Doing something/experiencing something new is always scary and exciting... and i understand that this is what my friend is going through right now... Completely reinventing your social circle is analogous to moving to a new place, starting a new job, making new friends. Being rejected over and over again is like going for job interviews and being told you aren't good enough for the role, or someone is better etc and so forth... And yes, i understand that currently the world is twisted when it comes to homosexuality or transgender, and a huge range of identities that challenge cis-norm ideals. And this is disgusting...

In many ways it makes sense that a transgender person desperately craves support from their close social circles. And we want to give it to them... but we absolutely cannot jeopardise our happiness day in and day out for months on end. A line has to be drawn... and there absolutely has to be a way to talk to our friends and get them to see that they need to give their support group the respect they deserve as well.

Its posts like this... telling us not to express our feelings to our partner/friends that builds resent and toxic relationships towards our transitioning loved ones. We have a right to an open an honest relationship. And by no means should be told to "just accept it and ride it out"... "hey... abused person, your abuser suffered as a child and they are just taking it out on you to feel better, work out their issues and become a better person, so just .... ride it out, this too shall pass" .... i bet you wouldnt say that... so dont say that to the support network of transitioning people.

Bit of an emotional blurb of words here because i'm so tired of not knowing what to do to support my friend and look after myself at the same time without actually alienating my friend and im sick to death of posts offering no support to the other side of the transitioning equation - the close supporters.


I am in transition and my biggest concern is not hormones, getting a job, or rejection from family or friends – except for one, the relationship with my wife. There are times when I do feel selfish because after all I did spend the last 28 years stringing her along until I finally had the guts to tell her I am transitioning – except that is not the the real story – except it is from her perspective. She told me she felt duped, that if I was unhappy all of these years why didn’t I just leave? She has a point – except that is not the full story – except it is because I did know, but not really, I was in denial, but I did dream about being female and always wanted to be a girl – except that is not the full story.
There is enough guilt there on my part to make me feel like a POS for coming out to her. There is enough guilt there for me to take her side, stop taking my Spiro and start presenting as male again – except I can’t. I have gone too far. Just being selfish I guess.


PennyLisa Selfish- (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. Transition is certainly consuming, it certainly does to one degree or another affects everyone the individual knows, BUT people transition out of need and not want, people transition to better themselves, that is NOT selfish it is need, people that transition are concerned about their families and friends, not fulfilling the need of transition also has negative consequences very negative consequences for the individual which WILL by extension negatively effect the individuals families and friends. There is NOTHING selfish about transition when it is done out of need, improving the individual's life, which will by extension offer opportunities to improve the lives and relationships surrounding the transgender individual.


Very good points! I liked the analogy. But the trans person is being selfish, but that's OK. They'll get over it eventually.


Beautiful U ♥


"Remember this too shall pass." Yes. "It does and will get better." Yes! "They are becoming whom they were always meant to be." That is why, it gets better!!!!

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