When Partners Try to Stop Their Spouse From Transitioning

U.A. Nigro

By U. A. Nigro

I knew nothing about the transgender world or the experience of transitioning. I worked so hard to educate myself on the subject, and my children as well. I read everything I could find on the Internet and watched every movie out there on the subject. I knew my spouse struggled with depression and most of the time felt out of place in the world. Perhaps this was the reason why? Perhaps this was the answer to her happiness and the happiness of our family?


She sought out a gender therapist and began weekly sessions. Within a few weeks I knew in my heart that this was her truth. I watched as the misery and self-loathing melted away. Never once did it cross my mind to tell her not to transition. Never once did I give her a list of rules to follow in order to transition. Never once did I give her ultimatums about transitioning. I could never be so vicious to someone I love so much. I could never be so selfish. To stand in the way of someone else’s happiness is just evil in my opinion.

So why are there so many partners out there who do this? The thought of this is absurd to me and quite frankly makes me angry. What if your partner comes home from the doctor with a cancer diagnosis? Would you put limitations on how and when they could get treatment for that? Would you ask them to postpone treatment until the children were old enough to understand it? Would you tell them they could only get treatment one weekend a month? Would you ask them not to tell anyone about this treatment because those people may judge you? I sincerely hope not.


As a society we need to inject more love and understanding into the world. We need to stop practicing religions that teach us to hate and fear certain groups of people. We need to stop treating scientific facts as just another fictional story written by J.K. Rowling, and we need to shut off the intolerance we feel toward one another. Along with my children, my partner is the most important person in my life. If I thought that being in a relationship with a woman was not right for me, I would of course mourn the loss, but I would move on with my life and let her live hers. My love for her is greater than anything else on this planet.

As a child I was told that in order to receive love, first you must love yourself. This was a very confusing statement to a little girl of ten. It was not until I became an adult did I understand its meaning. Let’s pretend for a second that the shoe was on the other foot and I was the person in the relationship who realized they were transgender. How would I want my spouse to treat me? Would I want them to turn their back on me, kick me out, or tell me if I transition they are leaving me? Would I hope for a list of rules and ultimatums? Absolutely not! I would hope to receive compassion, understanding, and love. Before you say something that might hurt your partner, who is already depressed enough, stop and put yourself in their place. Think before you speak.


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