What I Am Asked About My Transgender Wife and Our Relationship

U.A. Nigro

Since she came out as transgender it seems to be okay for people to ask me the most personal questions. Questions I was never asked when I was in a “normal heterosexual” marriage. It truly baffles my mind. Most of the time if it is an acquaintance, I answer the question, but then use it as a teachable moment. I follow up the question by telling them that I am answering because I have an ulterior motive. Then I tell them that these kinds of questions are rude to ask a transgender person or their partner. Just recently, I was asked a question I had not been asked before, “Did you stay with your wife because you are afraid of being alone and you might not find someone at your age?”


Well, I can’t even imagine what my face looked like at that moment. The horror must have been all over it like ice cream on a kid. Just when I thought that was offensive, the follow up question was just as intrusive, “If you met your wife after transition do you think that you would be together?” That was quite the one, two punch. Thankfully, I think I handled it with grace. I answered by saying, “No I am not afraid of being alone, I am still married to my wife because I am in love with her.” And to her second question I said, “Of course we would be together if I had met her after she transitioned, I am in love with her not her gender.”

Being one part of a healthy relationship is hard enough. Add to that relationship one partner who is transgender, and you have a whole new element to deal with. It is not an easy journey for any of us and speaking for myself, I try to live as an example for others to learn from. This bizarre line of questioning did, unfortunately take my mind on a trip I wasn’t ready for or willing to go on. However those questions were rattling around in my head and I needed to find a way to get them to stop. So I went back to when I first met my wife. Thinking about all the ways she pursued a relationship with me. She is 2 and 1/2 years younger than me, and dating an underclassman in high school was always looked down on. However, I am not traditional person, and I could not resist her.


We started dating and I fell in love with her. It was as if I found the other half of me. So here I am thinking back to that time. If her gender was female and she did all the same things she did then to turn my head. Of course we would have dated. I would have hid the relationship from my ultra conservative parents, but we would have been together. I think that when two souls are meant to be together, gender doesn’t even matter. When I sit and reflect on all the things that I love most about her, they have nothing what so ever to do with her gender. She is smart, sassy, sensitive, empathic, and a good listener, all qualities that have nothing to do with her gender.

I think that people who know me can tell you that I am not afraid of many things. Being alone is definitely not on that short list. I am not with my wife because she is the last person on earth. I have stayed married to my wife because there is no other person on earth that I want to be with. I am with my wife because I love her, she loves me, and we put up with each other’s craziness. For someone to assume that I have stayed married to my wife because I think that I would have a hard time finding someone on the dating scene is ludicrous. I am constantly reflecting on the decisions that I have made in my life. I try to keep the good things and learn from my failures. It is the only way we can grow and evolve as a human race. I have never one day of my life regretted my decision to marry or stay with my wife.


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