It’s a horrible feeling to begin to grow apart and separate from someone you’ve cared for and loved. It is a helpless, desperate kind of feeling. You search for reasons, assign blame, suspect infidelity, and a multitude of mistakes that only worsens the situation. Why does this happen? It just does. It’s a perfectly natural occurrence for people to sometimes grow and develop in different directions and ways, making them no longer compatible although love and caring may still be present.
This has been happening in my life here recently. Space had developed between me and the person I had been so sure I loved, up to the point where I questioned whether I even wanted to remain with him. I had reached the decision that no, I didn’t. And there are many reasons for this, but the primary one is my fault, not his. And that is that I cannot trust him. But a secondary, and nearly equally powerful reason is, I feel that he was ready to give up on me, because of my weakness, so why should I fight for him, for us?
"WHO WE ARE IS VASTLY DIFFERENT FROM WHO WE WERE WHEN WE MET."
Every situation is different, but in my situation I’ve simply determined that while I still care about him, I don’t want to be with him. The space is there, the tension and fighting has come and gone, and just things are different. We’re different. I mean, he and I may be on the same page but not the same paragraph nor sentence. Who we are is vastly different from who we were when we met. I believe back in that time and place, we needed friendship and from friendship our feelings for each other deepened. However, we never even moved our relationship into the sexual arena, for a few reasons I will reserve to privacy. Suffice it to say, we reasoned it would be better to wait.
In some ways I am saddened, but in others I am almost relieved. I care deeply about him but can’t bring myself to forgive, what I perceive in my eyes, as his betrayal. I think we actuate the best possible decisions by separating and going our own ways, while continuing to have respect and concern for the other. Many people will have a hard time understanding my willingness, even my desire, to surrender the situation. They’ll say I’ve just given up. I contend that something cannot grow by strangling it. And what he and I had, we’ve been strangling it. Who knows what will happen in the future, perhaps we will repair our situation and be rejoined. I’m okay with the possibility of that. Or perhaps we will talk infrequently and be awkward but clearly still concerned about the other, yet in no hurry to meet and have dinner. I’m okay with that possibility too.
This is because sometimes in life, we have to move against our desires for our betterment and for the betterment of others. I just want the best for him. But, I also want the best for me. And right now, we’re not best for each other. It’s sad, but it’s life. I just hope that we both find and lead the lives that we deserve, full of jog, love, peace, light, goodness, and hope.