Please Do Not Invite My Wife and I to Your Gathering Then Insult Us

U.A. Nigro

Hands down, this is my favorite time of year. I love all of it, the cooking, the baking, shopping, wrapping, chopping down our tree, TV specials, decorating, and entertaining. I don’t even mind the stores on the weekends as long as I am out of there before lunchtime. Nevertheless, this time of year is not as joyous for everyone as it is for me. It can be a very stressful time of year for some. People without family or who have families that are not accepting of who they are will spend the holiday alone. I have dealt with unaccepting family members, so the thought of someone being alone makes me feel very sad.


I was definitely more accepting of our families being intolerant of anything or anyone not like themselves before my wife came out as trans, which sounds so weird to say out loud. This is the first time that I am having this realization and it is strange. I have no excuse for allowing myself or my children to be around that. However, I did start every visit at my parents’ house by telling the girls before we got out of the car not to listen to a thing that came out of my mother’s mouth. What a wonderful thing to say to your kids about their grandmother. Now I refuse to associate with people who do not accept me or my wife, and that includes family.

My support groups for partners have been full of family dilemmas for weeks. Making plans on how to escape, and code words for when they have had enough. One woman actually told me that her family invited her and her wife to their holiday festivities. Unfortunately it was under the condition that she tells everyone who is attending this shindig that her wife is her “friend.” I swear my head spun around when I heard that. I would have said right there on the spot, thanks but take your half BS invitation and shove it where the sun don’t shine. But in her case, she was grateful for the invitation, and was seriously contemplating what to do while looking for advice.

I would never in a million years put my wife in the kind of situation where I know that she is not being accepted. These people are apparently willing to let this woman bring her wife as long as she is not her wife for the day. They do not believe in same sex marriage, they think that being transgender is a choice, and that they are basically an abomination. I really don’t know why this woman was even tossing around the idea of going. I would have said I am sorry, but I cannot accept your ignorant and bigoted invitation. I would rather spend the night alone with my wife, then be anywhere around people like that.


It seems very strange to me how much some folks value family bonds even when the family is toxic. Talk to any therapist and they will tell you to get as far away from those kinds of people as fast as you can. They are manipulative, judgmental, and unapologetic people who are not at all supportive. They could care less about your interests or what is important in your life. Yet, I hear all the time how special these family relationships are. I am sorry but we become family by chance, there are no laws that state we need to put up with these people until the day we die.

Maybe I feel this way because of my self-sufficient nature. Or maybe I am just sick and tired of being burnt by the people who claim to be family. Whatever the reason, I am here to tell you that it is an amazing feeling to cut these kinds of people out of your life. At first it is painful. After all, these people have been a part of your life forever. However afterwards I felt lighter and unburdened. If I could convince everyone out there who deals with these types of people to dump them, we would all be much me happier.

Comments (1)
No. 1-1

I did a number of holidays with an oversized sweatshirt, low pony tail, and resurrected dead name. If you don't show up then you are "making it all about you". If you do show up then you are "making it all about you". Even if you show up as the 'friend', you are "making it all about you". There is no acceptable choice. Simply by existing as trans* on a holiday, even if you stay home, you are ruining it for everyone.

Happy holidays indeed.

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