Recently, I made the decision to begin my transition. I have been trying to work things out in my mind as I have been thinking about how to go about this great crusade I am about to embark on, and I am trying to figure out what it all looks like. I have also been confronting the fears that I‘ve had about this next big step. I had not dealt with them because transition was always something I thought I might get to one day, but not today. Well I guess like with everything else, someday became today faster than I had thought.
Mila Madison (my sister form another mother) recently wrote an article about the struggles with the life she had prior to her transition. This issue is one of the fears that I have as I begin this journey. The fear is that all that I am is because of my life experiences, and I don’t what to lose that. But how do I incorporate the person I am today with the person I am becoming? In many ways I feel that I am still that person, I am both. Perhaps I am thinking too much about it, but it is on my mind.
"I OFTEN FEEL THAT MY GENDER IDENTITY IS ONE THAT IS NOT BINARY, AND THAT MY BODY IS BOTH MALE AND FEMALE."
I had always answered the question of should I transition with “How do I kill one part of me for the other?” But to be able to move forward I must confront these fears. It is the root of all my problems when I think about it, because I don’t see myself as being in the wrong body. I often feel that my gender identity is one that is not binary, and that my body is both male and female.
This brings me to hormones and my huge fear of them. I'm frickin awesome and people should be sad that they don't have me in their lives! I know your first thought reading that is “Wow what an arrogant statement,” but coming from where I was just a few years ago to now, it’s a remarkable one. I never thought that about myself. I had always thought I was not good enough. That something was wrong with me. I know many of us have experienced the same feelings and don’t get me wrong, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns for me as I do have my days. But back to hormones.
"I DON’T WANT HOW I VIEW AND RELATE TO THIS WORLD TO CHANGE EITHER, AND I AM SCARED OF THAT HAPPENING."
I have talked with many of my friends who are on hormones, and many of them have shared their experiences. I guess what I am afraid of is that I don’t want my brain to change. I don’t want how I view and relate to this world to change either, and I am scared of that happening. I know everyone’s experience on hormones is different and I can’t just go by the experiences of others. I am also not saying that everything I have mentioned here is going to happen, and by no means am I saying anything about those who go on them. It’s a personal choice. This is about me, my thinking and my fears. I had a breast reduction at 13, so I don’t know how that will affect me now. I also don’t want “certain functions” of my body to be altered in any way as I am not interested in getting surgery.
I also fear losing friends, as I have already noticed changes in some of the relationships I have. I have concerns about the drama my transition may cause. As I am 44 years old, I am too old to deal with it. As much as these fears are with me and a part of me, I can't let them limit me. I can’t let that happen, as it is the difference between living and just taking up space. In the end I just have to be me.
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is going on in spite of it.