Exploring Sex After Your Partner Comes out as Transgender

U.A. Nigro

Let me start this week by saying I have never done this before. However, I think the time has come to have an honest conversation about what is truly on everyone’s mind. It is one of the biggest taboos in our culture to speak about. Sex. Unlike the birds and the bees talk that I am sure some of you might have had with your parents, I promise to be brutally honest, as honest as I can be without blushing behind my computer. It is a part of our nature and people have been doing it since the beginning of time. The experts say that humans and animals alike are hardwired to seek out sex. However, what happens when one partner comes out as transgender?

First I will share with you some advice I received from my first father-in-law (who has since past away, RIP), “Men want a lady in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.” Keep in mind I married my first husband when I was twenty, so to say that the statement was a little traumatizing is putting it nicely. Nevertheless, if you read about sex in ancient times that is exactly how women were treated. They were bought and sold for sex without having a say in the matter. Thankfully we have evolved, and out of the sexual revolution came feminism and sexual liberation. Women who were taught from a young age that the only purpose of sex was procreation were now learning otherwise. The sexual revolution started us on the path to acceptance of sex without the traditional heterosexual, monogamous relationships. Yay us!


So what happens when your husband comes out to you as a transgender woman? You are a straight heterosexual cisgender woman who would never have sex with another woman. You only enjoy PIV (penis in vagina) sex and could never have it any other way. Do you walk away for this reason and ask for a divorce? So many women do. I think it’s narrow minded, but mostly sad for everyone involved. Sex is only one part of a healthy relationship. So I did some reading in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (The Official Publication of the International Academy of Sex Research) website. The scientists, Gayle Brewer of the University of Central Lancashire and Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds, asked 71 women between the ages of 18 and 48 a series of questions about their sex lives. They asked them about their moans, groans, shouting their partner’s name, and other vocalizations during sex.

The data they collected was fascinating, 80% of women reported that they are faking orgasm more than half the time. All the squealing and screaming during sex was to help their partner climax, not because they themselves were riddled with excitement. They reported, “Wanting to get it over with as fast as possible” due to “boredom, fatigue, and discomfort.” In other words, things like saying his name and screaming yes are all just an act. However, they did say that they were most excited during oral sex when they were more likely to have an orgasm. As of the last time I checked, I’m pretty sure that you don’t need a penis to give someone oral sex.


I have heard so many partners and spouses say to me “this person is my soul mate, my best friend, someone I couldn’t possibly live without, but I can’t have sex with a woman.” I must say that I am not convinced of that, and the statistics of how many women are faking it prove my point. If you have a rock solid relationship with love, trust, communication, and respect, I see no reason why you can’t try. Our bodies are amazing, and they do amazing things. Why not explore the possibilities? I personally know women who have never had an orgasm during sex with their partners. How very sad for them, but I think you have to know your own body in order to help your partner know your body.

Since the beginning of time same sex relationships have existed and flourished. It is unfortunate that our society has put such a stigma on them. If you truly love your partner and want to stay together through transition, I urge you to explore all the possibilities that sex has to offer. There are so many ways to pleasure one another other than traditional heterosexual sex. Imagine the possibilities, open yourself up to something new, and take the road less traveled. If then you discover that it is not for you, all parties involved can separate knowing that you tried everything.


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