Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Today I went to get my face electrocuted in order to burn off some of the defect I was born with. A defect that had consumed my life for so many dark laborious years. The labor lay in the form of just carrying on day-to-day life as the wrong person. The pain of being misjudged and wrongfully labeled all of my life. As I lay there in that room slowly freeing myself of another small bit of my male straight jacket, I met Tammi, a wonderful vivid soul. We sat for four painful hours burning and plucking the thousands of tiny hairs. We talked about life, about pain, about surviving, and about overcoming.
“I THOUGHT OF THE DAYS, WEEKS AND MONTHS OF PUSHING MYSELF TO TAKE ONE MORE BREATH, TO SEE ONE MORE SUNRISE.”
I thought back to the pain I have had over the years. Failed relationships, lies, guilt, feeling outcast and laughed at, failing over and over, being humiliated, bullied, outcast and rejected. I thought of the days, weeks and months of pushing myself to take one more breath, to see one more sunrise. I thought about people I had lost over the years; family, friends, loved ones and not so loved ones. In the middle of thinking about these scars that used to be festering wounds on my soul, I thought how beautiful life has become. I have people that love me. I know the love of my child and the love I have for her. I have faith and hope. I have a sense of self that I was lacking for the longest time. I also still have a long way to travel.
As you get consumed with your life, just know it gets better. It gets beautiful. You have to work for it. I know you are tired, god trust me I do. I know it feels hopeless and like no one understands. I know you can sit in a crowded room and still feel completely alone. You have to keep walking. Thinking about that next step. This can be metaphoric or it can literally mean it takes all of what you are to take the next physical step. You are not alone. You are not helpless. You are a beautiful vivid soul that is waiting to shine to the world. Know that you will find peace and love. You will see the stars in the sky. You will walk proudly and know that you swam through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. (Yes I stole that. Thanks Stephen King)
I believe in you! Stay strong!