Accepting Myself as Transgender at 45

Victoria Elizabeth explores her feelings on turning 45 and accepting the person she is.

It comes every year and there are some who try to forget it or not make a big deal about it (I am not one of them). It’s your Birthday. Mine was the 9th of February, my 45th on this planet and just 5 years away from 50. As with most people I don’t like getting old, but I am glad that I have the chance to get old as so many people like myself do not.

With birthdays there comes a lot of thinking about time and where you have gone in life. No, I am not going through a midlife crisis. I am not going to run to Vegas (I still want to go one day) or anything like that, but I have been thinking a lot in the last month running up to my birthday. I could sit here and think about how I have been on this Earth for 45 years now, and for most of that time I was not living as my true self. I could think that I wasted those years, but to be honest I don’t feel that way at all right now.

“I WISH THAT I COULD HAVE FOUND A WORD FOR IT AND REALIZED THAT I WAS JUST AS VALID AS ANYONE ELSE, BUT STILL I DON’T SEE THE IGNORANCE OF MY CHILDHOOD AS TIME WASTED.”

Yes, I wish I could have known what this different feeling I had was back when I was a child. I wish that I could have found a word for it and realized that I was just as valid as anyone else, but still I don’t see the ignorance of my childhood as time wasted. I would like to think that I am a pretty awesome person. Yes, I am not without my faults, no one on this planet is, but I am a product of my experiences over the past 45 years. As with everyone, I can look back in my life and find choices or moments that I would have love to change. In the end I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I had gone back and changed them.

So now I have 5 years to go until 50 (not a birthday I am looking forward to0, but I try not to worry about that now. I worry about today and try my best to live my life the way I was meant to. A week before my birthday I was in a funk, but I guess you can say it was more than that. I had felt like if I had just disappeared that no one would be sad or really miss me. I felt unappreciated and that I was just existing and not much more than that. I guess we have all have felt like that at times. In my case, I just don’t let people know when I am feeling this way. It is not something that I should keep inside, I know. I felt like I had failed in life. It is easy to think about these things when your birthday is approaching and you worry about all that you have not done in your life.

“NEVER BEFORE DID MY BIRTHDAY CAUSE SUCH A FEELING.”

This was a first for me. Never before did my birthday cause such a feeling. I stopped talking with people and took a break from social media. I kept to myself both at work and in my personal life.

Photo by Stephanie McCabe

Fortunately there was one exception, I had a good friend who allowed me to vent to her and she was amazing. I am usually the one taking care of everyone else around me (I get that from my mother) and I am usually not taking care of the most important person, Vicky. It was good to feel taken care of.

My friend was able to get me to look at what I have done in my life. She helped me to focus what I can do in the next year, and to stop worrying about how much time I have to go. It got me thinking about the person I am today. The last 45 years have prepared me for the next 45+ that are coming. They are not going to be easy, lord knows the last 45 were no walk in the park either, but life is not meant to be easy. You have to work at it.

Birthdays are going to come and go, that’s part of being human. They are not a clock ticking the hours away, but moments marking time as an old friend traveling with you. How you feel about them is all personal choice.

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