What's Grinding My Gears. December 3, 2018. (Gave up on the Vol. Thing)

Michael Loftus

As you can see, I gave up on the Vol. thing. Seemed funny at the time, but oh well. What can ya do? Let it go and move on. So here's the shit that I CAN'T move on from this week.

The "Baby, It's Cold Outside" Controversy:

I had to look this up to make sure it's real. Sadly, it is. Some morons actually complained to a radio station in Ohio that the song isn't appropriate or isn't suitable for radio audiences during the holidays. To these people, I have a message: Please shut the hell up and donate your genitalia to science, cause obviously you're all done using it.

Sure the song is a little flirty, but that's about it. No one is in danger. No one is getting roofied and tied to a bed. It's a cute little song where a dude is trying to convince a girl she should stay at his place longer. Because he wants to get laid. And the girl in the song KNOWS IT!! She's thinking about it and trying to talk herself out of it. But deep-down she's torn. Cause she likes that Christmas D!

It's fantastic! It's one of a kind songwriting! Fun, sexual tension. All set to a catchy tune with ZERO foul language! There's more curse words in this fucking post (and sadly, zero sexual tension).

Seriously, what's the problem? That they're drinking? Shame on the people who complained. Double shame on the radio station that stopped playing the song. If the sexual overtones and use of alcohol are now too much for radio listeners, and you're going to take such songs out of rotation, congratulations, you just killed the vast majority of rhythm and blues and ALL of Hip Hop. That's all they had!

So how bout we do this instead. Whenever "Baby, It's Cold Outside" comes on the radio, you change the channel with your repressed little fingers. Or, you can take that uncomfortable stick out of your ass and enjoy the song like everyone else does. Maybe then you'll get a little Christmas D and rejoin the land of the living.

Trail Mix:

Every once in a while I make the mistake of buying trail mix. Usually for a long car ride. I make this mistake at least twice a year, so really I'm the dick here. I'm a grown man. I should know better. Trail mix is a joke. A national joke cooked up by the raisin industry. Because that's all trail mix really is. A bag of raisins with 6 peanuts and 1 M&M thrown in. Every brand I try seems to have the same ratio. Honestly, I had no idea how long the arm of the raisin people could reach.

Before you start chastising me, yes, I've seen other brands. Other brands that sell other mixes. They are almost entirely chocolate. If I wanted that much chocolate I would've bought a candy bar.

Here's what I want: Peanuts, some granola, almonds and M&Ms. We can make this, right? This is America, we invented powered flight for God Sake! Go! Begin! Make this and I will buy it. NO RAISINS! (If I suddenly die, please investigate the raisin industry. They appear to be ruthless.)

The Lack of Elizabeth Warren Jokes:

Elizabeth Warren is a fraud. She's no more Indian than you or I. She lied to further her career. When she took a DNA test, it proved that the vast majority of Americans have more Indian DNA than her. It's outrageous. Does she get in trouble? No. It hasn't affected her or her career one little bit. Everyone has decided to act like it never happened. WTF? Why isn't she the subject of ridicule or at the very least...some jokes! She got busted saying she's Cherokee and she's very, very, white. As a matter of fact, Elizabeth Warren is sooo white...when she scrapes her knees? She doesn't bleed, Mayo comes out.

She's so white, her skin tone is marshmallow.

She's so white, her drivers license photo looks like the back of a stamp.

She's so white, she doesn't buy light bulbs. When it gets dark, she takes off her clothes and GLOWS.

She's so white, Casper the friendly ghost saw her and said DAMN!

She's so white, she doesn't use sunblock; she uses Sherwin-Williams one coat.

And if she DOESN'T? She'd burst into flames.

She's so white, that when she photocopied her bare ass, regular paper came out of copier. HA!

I can't be the only one doing these. If I am? It's sad. Mostly for me. But still. Very sad.

Comments (3)
No. 1-3
Lisa Tate
Lisa Tate


I heard a comment once Trail mix is nothing but M&Ms with obstacles.Tis true

Michael  Loftus
Michael Loftus


HA!! That's a perfectly funny joke! Give yourself 10 bonus points. There should be a ton of these! Good stuff!


It is ridiculous what people get offended by these days. I think these people are have too much time on their hands to find shit to be offended about. They need to be high five in the face really hard. Elizabeth Warren so white she makes vanilla ice cream say daaaamm! Thats only one I could come up. I literally looked up Elizabeth Warren white jokes and all I got was shit about racism.