What's Chapping My Ass! December 30, 2018.

Michael Loftus

This is NOT a Year in review for a couple reasons. One? My typing skills are complete shit and I'm really not that dedicated. Two? We did a great job of covering the big (and not so big) stories of 2018 on The Loftus Party podcast. It'll be out tomorrow. I'm sure you all subscribe so I thank you for that. Obviously you have great taste in podcasts; you want to be well informed and laugh. Because you're smart and sexy and you know when someone is bullshitting and when they're telling the truth! Wink!

Here's this week's mini-list.

Journalism CircleJerk:

At the Times Square New Year's Eve Ball drop tomorrow the Honor of "lowering the ball" is some kind of wacky tribute to freedom of the press.

Blow me. Enough of this crap!

Yes freedom of the press is important. DUH! But why preach to Americans about that? We get it! How about you talk about freedom of the press to, oh, I don't know...China? Saudi Arabia? Any other country where they actively jail/murder members of the press?

I'm tired of hearing this shit from American reporters! NO ONE is fucking with you! NO ONE! Maybe that's the problem? Not enough people are calling you out on your shit reporting.

The media's coverage of Trump has been so insanely one-sided that it's literally unprecedented. Just look at the way they covered Trump's trip to Iraq to visit the troops. Let's call out lies and falsehoods wherever we see 'em. And let's protect REAL journos who are in REAL danger.

But pardon me if I give zero shits about some lying skank from CNN throwing the switch to drop a giant light bulb in NYC. You're coddled and you're weak, and you need to go back to journalism school.

Learning New Tech:

I got a new graphic for "What's chapping my ass." I made it myself. HA!

It's stupid, I know, but I really didn't dig the one I was using. So I downloaded a program called PicMonkey and made my own! Highly recommend PicMonkey by the way. Really easy way to mess with photos and graphics. On your phone! Whaaaa?

After I messed around with PicMonkey it occurred to me: I've had to learn waaaaay too much in the last year. Graphics, video editing, and a shit ton of other tech crap I NEVER wanted to learn! My brain is mush. I just wanna tell my jokes, write my little scripts and articles and move on!

Are you an awesome tech person? Are you a whiz with graphics? Wanna help out on The Loftus Party website? Welcome the fuck aboard! Leave a comment with your info below and maybe we can make a love connection!

Trans James Bond:

This happened today. Some actor somewhere was being interviewed and casually mentioned he thought it would be cool if a transgendered man played James Bond. No. It wouldn't be cool.

This shit is getting old. Some loser throws out a suggestion: "Wouldn't it be cool if a woman played James Bond?" Again...NO. James Bond is a dude. If you want a girl James Bond you need to write your own stuff.

And I don't even understand how a trans Bond would even work! Is it a dude dressed as a woman, pretending to be James Bond? That's crazy talk! That's like Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. A guy playing a guy, who plays a guy in blackface.

So let's give up on every individual segment of society gets to be Bond. Gay Bond, Trans Bond, Girl Bond, Diabetic Bond, Clubfoot Bond. ALL OF IT MUST STOP. If you wanna play a transgendered, paraplegic, halitosis suffering, secret agent...write your own shit!

Have a great New Year's, filled with wild dancing and sexual abandon. You've earned it. You'll be older next year. Stop wasting time.

All the best - M

(Something chapping YOUR ass? Let us know in the comments below.)

Comments (4)
No. 1-2

You know what is chapping my ass. On January 7th here in Virginia they discontinuing the travel advisory radio that broadcast on the AM station. Now the only option is to call 511 or look on app. Like that is super safe to do while drive. NOT.


You really were chapped. Lol. The LGBTQ community is a relatively small segment of our population, but you wouldn’t think so. They seem to be everywhere. Looking at our entertainment and other media makes you feel like being straight is odd.