We Won't Be 'Storming Area 51' but You All Have Fun!

Michael Loftus

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So far over a million people have signed up on Facebook to "Storm Area 51." Sadly, yours truly isn't one of them. Now don't get it twisted. This whole thing sounds insanely fun. Well, insane anyway. And IN THEORY it WOULD be fun. When I say "in theory" I'm using the stoner version of "in theory." You know, a couple dudes just absolutely baked, talking smack. "Dude...they can't get ALL of us!" That kind of theory. And it WOULD work!

Now here's the problem: Everyone knows you're coming. You forgot about the element of surprise. I know. Totally sucks. Now we've completely enjoyed the memes of "Storm Area 51" battle strategies. Especially the ones that show the smart people in back as the idiots in the front get mowed down by army machine guns. Hilarious! But "in theory" aren't we ALL in the back? I think we are. Screw those dumb bastards in front! Right?

Okay, so the death thing is kind of a deterrent. Here's the other problem: Nothing is there. In terms of aliens and spaceships, I kinda doubt the government would leave that kind of stuff laying around in the ONE place everyone thinks it is. The ONE place in countless movies, TV shows, websites, etc. that all say, "It's in Area 51!" I honestly think you'd have a better chance of finding a dead alien in Area 52. I don't even know if that's a real place. But I'm pretty sure the CIA or somebody would at LEAST move the proof of extraterrestrial life one base over. Just to throw us off. So don't be bummed when you don't find anything. Sorry.

Which leads me to this...I really wanna go! For a bunch of reasons. One? Totally believe in UFO's. Yup. I think there's a shit ton of things we don't know. And I've seen way too many interviews with pilots, video taken from air force cockpits, blah, blah, blah. Two? I dig people who are interested in this stuff! They seem super interesting. Why not hang out with a boatload of those peeps for an afternoon? Good times. Until the machine gun part. That's where you lose me.

So let's do this instead: Big UFO party. But it's gotta be cool. Not some lame convention at a Holiday Inn in Tulsa. Like Burning Man or some shit. DJs! Music! We'll set stuff on fire and dance all night. Everybody is smoking hot, half naked and just grooving under the stars!

Something just occurred to me. Another reason I won't be "Storming Area 51" is I think I'd rather go to Burning Man. No offense to you all. Have fun. Don't get shot.

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