If We're Living In The Matrix, I Need Some Upgrades

There has been so much happening in the “news” recently, we’ve almost forgotten the most important revelation from last week:

We are living in The Matrix. So say the great tech minds.

Three things came to mind when I first heard the most-important information.

One: Wow, I guess I’m not the only one who really got into the book Ready Player One.

Two: I’ve always believed in a Creator, but I think I’ll stick to my omnipotent deity rather than ceding the reins of life-as-we-know-it over to some teenage alien computer geek.

Three: If this theory is true, then I’ve been seriously, and completely shortchanged in the programming.

In the spirit of keeping an open mind, as well as in the hopes of getting a much needed upgrade, I would like to give these tech minds the benefit of the doubt and address our Matrix Overlords.

Oh dear Programmers of the Digital Omniverse:

I know you’re busy keeping the world running. I mean, it has to be hard juggling such universe-building duties as writing on the final seasons of Game of Thrones, reprogramming our fear receptors so we are somehow all of a sudden over-the-top petrified of lanky college kids pranking around in clown masks, and laughing your alien butts off over at what this entire election year is doing to us measly human batteries. There’s a huge workload to keep up with, I know.

I mean, who am I to complain, right? You could have made me a tiny nano dung beetle, or made my daughters Mylie Cyrus fans. However, I still can’t help but feel I could have been dealt a better hand.

Next time you’re on lunch hour knocking back your galactic Monster energy drinks, I hope you consider taking a look at my personal code and ironing out some bugs.

For starters, I would like some wings. They need took look impressive, too. If I’m going be able to fly, I don’t want little moth or bumble bee appendages. I’m talking about big, archangel wings..like Hawkwoman.

While were on the topic of flying, I seem to remember some promises of mass-produced flying cars. Never mind the fact I'll already have wings. I have legs, but still love driving. I know, I keep hearing about the problematic dealings with air space, crashes, congestion or pollution. You’re in charge of the coding. Make it happen, already. I’ll take a McClaren.

I’ll make this simple. Make me fifty pounds lighter. I’m working on it, but if you could help speed things up, that would be great.

I’m starting to take all those vapid movie reboots as a personal insult. Please, for the sake of my sanity, take a break for a while and start creating some original new stories. There is plenty of source material out there you haven’t tapped, unless you forgot about all those great books you’ve programmed into our memories.

Finally, since I mentioned Game of Thrones, I have two words for you: “King Tyrion.” Think about it. It would be awesome, and you know it.

Well, I hope that if, in fact we are all floating around in a Dark City-esque experiment you will consider my requests.

If not, I’ll just keep trusting my own spiritual programmer to do what’s best for the world, as well as my own value judgment. I’ll keep doing what I do, and making the best of things.

Life, even without the tweaks, is good.

However, if I wake up tomorrow with wings and flying 650S, I’m definitely going to keep taking those blue pills Morpheus is offering.