Actually Cosmo, I'm Still Gonna Bang In The Shower

Loftus Party

In case you missed it, Hannah Smothers of Cosmopolitan had a very interesting (but ultimately wrong) piece on how couples should avoid showering together. As I reflected on how many times I have enjoyed a multi-person shower, I became a little perturbed and sad for the author. She was able to compile twelve reasons that had me shaking my head, and almost weeping for all the great shower experiences she has missed out on. I must dismantle all twelve of her points, and it won't be difficult.

Shower sex is amazing. It's easy clean-up, and you can get nasty while getting clean at the same time. It's steamy, it's warm, and it's different from your regular bedroom bang fests. Smothers first objection to shower sex seems to be that it is a dangerous endeavor, but I cannot comprehend this point unless you're disabled or elderly. Most showers have bars to hold onto—or you could lure a big strapping man (or woman, if that's your thing) into your shower to ensure your safety with his giant arms. Worse comes to worst, add a sticky mat to the floor, Paranoid Patty.

Smothers also thinks one sacrifices precious alone time for reflecting and whatever. Perhaps this is true if you're always finding yourself hot, wet, and naked with another person. But, let's be honest, your showering schedule probably doesn't line up just right with your significant other's. Furthermore, I have three small children and I find a little alone time everyday, without having to forego a trip to Rainy Poundtown.

"Showers can be so little," she says. Sweetheart, find some flexibility. I believe in you. Or, you could have him pick you up and bounce you on it like a game of Paddle Ball. Do this before soap, obviously. Look at me over here solving your problems for you...

And for the love of ass dimples, why can't you and your shower buddy help each other get clean? It saves time and water. He can focus on his favorite parts of you, while you finish up the others, and vice versa. This is a win-win situation—unless you don't value your time or the environment. Gasp! Why wouldn't you care about the environment?!

Why are you fighting your significant other over the water stream? It seems kind of pointless to apply soap while underwater. Take turns, totalitarian. Or, perhaps ensure the bathroom is warm before you step into the steamy sex capsule.

Oh, he asked for a shower BJ? You could say no, or you could say something like "me first." And guess what? Saliva is not the opposite of lube, and I vote for escalation of the situation soon after. Two birds, one stone.

Smothers goes on to complain that your showering partner may have different water temperature preferences, or could possibly fart. She is so-can't-evening over these two possibilities, while ignoring that a man is not going to be picky or fart in a situation where he gets to be naked with you. Seriously—why the hell would he burn that bridge?

In conclusion, Ms. Smothers perhaps needs a bigger shower as well as imagination. These seem to be her greatest issues. Additionally, it would help if she took some yoga classes and limber up a bit, because she is missing out.