The Worst Soldier Ever

What you are about to read is the story of the worst soldier ever.* If the world never sees someone like him again, it will be too soon.

The worst soldier ever joined the U.S. Army after September 11, 2001. He quit a lucrative career in finance to do so.

On top of exiting from a lucrative career, he joined the Army while he was in his 30s. So he had to endure going through basic combat training, and then advanced individual training, with punk teenagers and 20-somethings . . . not to mention drill sergeants and officers who were often younger than he was. It was humiliation upon humiliation for him but he endured it without complaining about it too much.

After he completed his initial entry training, the Army stationed the worst soldier ever at a fort in Texas where he constantly trained with his platoon. He also went to additional military schools where he gained further skills.

He deployed to a war zone less than a year after being out of initial entry training. He and his unit stayed overseas, living and fighting in austere environments, for 18 months. He distinguished himself in war. And for that he earned a promotion along with several awards and medals (including one for valor).

The worst soldier ever returned home and the Army soon sent him to another unit in another state where he continued training. He also attended several more schools, including professional development schools. He was promoted again.

Advancing in rank meant that he had a lot more responsibility the next time he deployed to a war zone, which was less than three years after he had returned from his first one. He once more had to live and fight in an austere environment. But this time he also had to lead troops. He ensured their safety and that they successfully completed their mission. His 12-month-long deployment ended with no friendly casualties and many enemies killed.

And so the career of the worst soldier ever went: more garrison training, more deployments to war zones, and more promotions.

Thus, 16 years after he had joined the Army, he has deployed five times, earned many awards and medals, and has advanced through multiple leadership positions.

Some people might think he is a fine example of a soldier. FALSE! He is the worst soldier ever for one fundamental reason.

Throughout his entire career he has defied a critical U.S. Army regulation. Specifically, he defies AR 670-1, Paragraph 20-28, which (as defined by DA PAM 670-1, Paragraph 18-30) says, “Males will wear drawers with all uniforms. Either the brief or boxer style drawers are authorized for wear. Males also may wear commercially purchased brief or boxer versions of drawers, in white, brown, tan, sand, or other neutral colors.”

You see, the worst soldier ever wears unauthorized blue boxer briefs. And he has worn such drawers (including in other unauthorized colors) during his entire time in the Army. This shows a lack of discipline, a lack of military bearing, and a disrespect for military regulations.

And he can never be forgiven for this violation. Nor can he ever be described as anything other than the worst soldier ever.

Let’s hope the Army discharges him soon.

* This is a humor piece so the story is entirely fictional. But it is inspired by things actual soldiers and other military personnel say and believe.