A Democratic Candidate Asks For Donations:
I’m here today to ask for your support. And by support I mean money. And by money I mean cash. I particularly like cash. Although I will accept checks, money orders, debit cards, credit cards, PayPal, Bitcoin, EBT Cards, postage stamps… any way you want to get it to me.
My campaign will not be accepting donations from big money donors. Those people will have to find another way to buy me. (Which is not difficult, call my people.)
That means I’ll only be taking small dollar donations. Taking them straight to the bank bitch! Daddy getting a jet plane!
These small donors are part of my grass-roots campaign- meaning you’d have to be high to send me money.
Now if you are wondering why you should send me money, instead of sending it to Greenpeace or PETA or Planned Parenthood or Save The Children or Amnesty International or The Red Cross or Habitat For Humanity or Human Rights Watch or The ACLU or NPR or The Boys & Girls Clubs or any of the three billion much more worthy causes…
…it’s this: A donation sent to me is a big “F**k you!” to Donald Trump. “F**k you, Donald Trump, f**k you!” Do you get that same satisfaction giving your money to PETA? No you don’t. No you do not.
Think of it like paying to have a star named after you. You send me money and I’ll send a receipt that says you get to be part of that big cosmic primal scream that says “F**K TRUMP!” How good would that feel? Pretty good, am I right?
How much is that worth to you? Fifty dollars- like you kind of hate the guy? A hundred dollars- like you pretty much hate the guy? Five hundred dollars- like you really, really hate the guy? You decide. That’s right, you get to decide how woke you really are.
So ask yourself: Are you really part of the ‘Resistance’ if you don’t resist the temptation to ignore my plea for money? The answer is no, not really. You’re the dark part of the sky, not one of the stars. The dark part, ruled by Darth Vader. Is that where you want to be, the dark part? Fly-over Heaven? Not the good Heaven by the coast. Not on one of the stars where you get to hang out with other elites. Elite is Latin for ‘light’, did you know that? Of course you did. So you decide. How much to send. How much to resist.
I need this money to finance a big online media campaign. To make sure it’s successful, I’ve hired the best team ever- it’s a firm called, “Twelve Russian Guys under Indictment”. Yea, they’re pretty good. I mean, you know they’re good because so much of their resume is redacted.
They’ll make sure I don’t get de-platformed, which happened to me as a frat pledge and is not pleasant. Don’t need that again, no sir.
What else do I need this money for? Well, folks, believe it or not, there are a lot of people I have to pay off. Super Delegates are not cheap.
Neither is the press. With them it’s: Buy an ad, get a story. Buy more ads, get an endorsement. By even more ads, get debate questions. So it adds up quick.
Don’t delay. I’m trying to raise this money before I have to drop out.
My candidacy might be a long shot but a long shot just won the Kentucky Derby. Some might say that race was fixed, crooked or stolen, which is exactly what you’ll be saying if Trump is re-elected.
These funds are desperately needed. Not that I’m desperate. I’m not. And I’m not needy. I’m not that either. The funds are. Needed. Desperately needed. The funds- not me. Just to make that clear. I don’t want my words taken out of context. I don’t want to see the headline, “Candidate says he is needy and desperate!”
I need these funds to qualify for the debates. It would be a tragedy if I wasn’t one of only twenty permitted on stage to share my unique perspective on why I hate Trump.
Maybe you like one of the other two dozen candidates that are running. Maybe you like the guy who was ‘born to run for President’. Maybe you like the guy who was ‘born that way’, or the guy born in the 1890’s, or the one ‘born in America, honeymooned in Moscow’. Whoever you like, it’s best to hedge your bets. Diversify.
Whatever funds I have left after this campaign is over will go to finance my next hopefully-much-more-realistic campaign.
To my Spanish speaking friends, my newly arrived illegals, who have the same rights as any other American: If you’d like to make your donation in dinero, por favor presione dos.
My name is Democratic Candidate and I approve this message.