The Loftus Party Oscars Picks! (Speed Round Style!)

Michael Loftus

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This list is hot garbage. I haven't seen 99% of the films nominated. That's not going to stop me, though. I'm making my Oscar picks.

It's gonna be fast and I'm basing my decisions on nothing other than my gut instinct and my profound lack of knowledge. Hell, I'm not even gonna list all the nominees! I'm that lazy! It's criminal.

I'm like a monkey making stock picks. It would be beyond hilarious if I got a bunch right. Here goes.

Best Picture: Bohemian Rhapsody. I saw a lady watching it on a plane recently. She seemed to like it.

Best Actor: Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody. He's Freddie Mercury. Academy likes actors who portray real people. Plus, big teeth!

Best Actress: Yalitza Aparicio, Roma. People will feel bad about voting for Freddie Mercury dude and give Oscar to this lady. It happens.

Supporting Actress: Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk. Seems right. Unless they give to Emma Stone. Emma seems like, 2 years away.

Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali, Green Book. Everyone else in this category seems like a comedic actor. Mahershala Ali sounds important. He'll win.

Directing: Roma, Alfonso Cuarón. Spike Lee & Vice director get split for the "I hate Trump vote" and Alfonso walks away with Oscar.

Adapted Screenplay: Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen. I like them. That's the only reason. Blow me.

Original Screenplay: Vice, Adam McKay. The "I hate Trump" crowd breathes a huge sigh of relief. Finally! They feel vindicated.

Foreign Language Film: Top ten answers on board. Show me...Roma! Netflix pretends to be pleased. Looks at Alfonso, holding his Oscar. The execs force a smile.

Animated Feature: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Feminists are shocked. They thought Incredibles 2 was lock! This is bullshit. Fuck this show.

Original Score: Mary Poppins Returns. Everyone wants to hang out with the Hamilton dude at the Vanity Fair party. This way, it won't be awkward.

Original Song: Shallow, A Star is Born. Feminists relax a bit. This is also good cover at Vanity Fair party if convo with Hamilton dude goes south.

Documentary Short: Black Sheep. I have no idea. Sounds edgy.

Cinematography: A Star is Born. Why not? It'll keep Millennials invested in the show. We really should've hired a host. We're losing the kids!!

Best Documentary Feature: RBG. The "I hate Trump" contingent now have full on erections. And smug smiles that turn to looks of concern as they realize they are on camera.

Production Design: Black Panther. Wakanda forever, bitches!!

Sound mixing: First Man. The crew from Bohemian Rhapsody shits a little and quickly returns to their seats.

Costume Design: Mary Poppins Returns. WTF?! Disney exec closes checkbook and smiles knowingly.

Film Editing: Vice. This is bullshit.

Sound Editing: A Quiet Place. WTF? Where did they even come from? Seriously!

Animated Short: Bao. It sounds exotic and smart.

Live Action Short: Mother. The Producers of Fauve can't believe it. Thought they would win off the "Bao" effect. Foreign equals smart.

Make up and Hairstyling: Mary Queen Of Scots. Period films always crush this category. Easy money.

Visual Effects: Avengers: Infinity War. The Producers of Solo are haunted by the fact that they really fucked up the Star Wars franchise. Disney exec shoots Kathleen Kennedy dirty look.

Those are my speed picks. Don't be jealous when I win the office pool.

Lemme know your thoughts in the comments below.

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