Roger Moore Was A Better James Bond Than Sean Connery

Loftus Party


I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Self, a vote for anyone other than Sean Connery is a vote for Hillary Clinton." But that's just not true, and I'll explain why. With science and math.

Both Sean Connery and Roger Moore starred in eight James Bond films each from 1963 to 1985. You might guess that nothing beats the original. You'd be wrong. With Connery playing Bond, the gross worldwide revenue for his eight films totaled just under 800 million. Roger Moore needed only 5 films to surpass all of Connery's revenue, ultimately achieving nearly 1.2 billion for his portrayal over his tenure. I know that common core math is trying to dig its grubby fingers into our children's future, but where I come from, billions are more than millions.

Science can also measure the testicular virility of James Bond throughout the ages, as evidenced by the number of Bond girls who succumbed to the many charms of each portrayal. The numbers are slightly disputed and might be +/- 1 per character, but Sean Connery, even though he made it with Pussy Galore and that chick who ended up dying by gold asphyxiation, only racked up 18 Bond girl conquests throughout his 8 films.

Roger Moore? Twenty four. #science #math

Of note, a few of Sean Connery's "conquests" were a little rapey, if you ask me. That might fly in Bernie Sanders "women wanna be raped by three guys" world, but I remember watching Connery's films and sometimes thinking, "Damn, she's saying no, dude." Roger Moore's character was so much more cool, and used a lot more humor to get the girl, as well as the bad guy. If I were raising a son, I would want them to be more Moore, less Connery.

Also, Roger Moore's 2nd and 22nd Bond girls were black. Not only did Moore shatter the color barrier throughout his tenure, but he proved that, indeed, it's possible to go black and go back. Besides, he survived sex with Grace Jones. I didn't think that was even possible. I mean, did you see her in Conan the Destroyer? He came BACK after tapping that. Incredible.

In closing, I accept that Sean Connery ended up epitomizing the 007 character Ian Fleming created and was the only actor to whom Fleming gave the thumbs-up. I'll even give Daniel Craig props for his version subjectively being the most believable and seeming like a real person.

But the bottom line - Roger Moore was a better James Bond than Sean Connery.

Go ahead. Deny the science.

Stay tuned for my next piece - Nickelback is a better band than Led Zeppelin.