New Star Wars Poster Reeks of Desperation (Opinion...Well, Rant Really)

Michael Loftus

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Just saw the new poster for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker on Twitter and it sparked so many thoughts I had to run to the keyboard. Didn't wanna do a whole "Twitter thread" on it. I find those to be so insanely self indulgent and fuck it! We got a website right here! So let's rip into the latest Star Wars news. It ain't good. We'll start with the poster and go from there.

Hey look everybody, the Emperor is back! Remember that guy? Back when the movies were good? Yeah. Darth Vader killed him. That was the whole thing. Vader redeemed himself by killing this dude. He's dead. Dead. Dead. Pushing up the fucking daisies, dead. You cannot bring him back. If you do, ANYONE can come back. Anyone. There's a reason you kill people in screenplays and books. It marks the end. He's fucking dead.

Dear J. J. Abrams: I know that Rian Johnson really screwed you over by killing Snoke, but if you're gonna miraculously bring a villain back? Do Snoke. We never knew ANYTHING about him! Like zero. Who the fuck WAS that guy? Really!

If Snoke doesn't matter? The other 2 movies in this trilogy don't matter. Honestly, they don't. It's like: Some bullshit happened then more bullshit in part 2. And with the Emperor here, we can begin. It's horseshit.

Disney, Rian Johnson (or whoever okayed The Last Jedi) fucked you. Harder than you know. That movie undermined EVERYTHING! Rey is nobody, the villain is dead, Jedi have bizarre new powers, Luke tried to kill a kid! Nothing means anything! NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING! That's the nightmare for ANY storyteller. It's all shit now. And no matter who you bring back from the dead, it'll still be shit. Slap on a new villain at the end of a trilogy and expect people to buy it. It's lousy storytelling! A new villain in part 3? Go fuck yourself.

Stop putting patches on these movies. Stop. It's obvious you had NO PLAN. None. J. J. did an okay job of rebooting the franchise. The Force Awakens was alright. Passable. At least he set up a story. He got something established.

Star Wars needs a reset.

I've seen some people on Star Wars fan sites jokingly call for a "it was all a dream" solution. I'm now officially on board. Let's just take The Last Jedi out of the mix. The Rise of Skywalker should start with Rey waking up. Realizing The Last Jedi was just a dream.

We scrap The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker and start over right after The Force Awakens. I am seriously pitching this as a solution.

You are killing the Star Wars franchise. The numbers for Star Wars movies are down. Cause The Last Jedi sucked THAT hard. The more I think about it as a writer, the more it just boggles my mind. Who thought it was a good idea to kill Snoke? Who said yes to that bullshit? Ha!

Now watch, that dude will still be alive too. Snoke will come strolling in at the open of The Rise of Skywalker. Fuck it. Whatever. Bring Han back! How bout that? Han can kill the Emperor in this one. Screw it. It doesn't matter. It's just one of the most successful franchises ever. And you are killing it.

-- The Mgmt

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