Adventures with the New Third Wave Siri

Lisa Tate

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Once upon a ridiculous time, a man gets into his car to head to work...

Driver: Siri, what's the traffic like today?

No answer.

Driver (a little louder): Siri, what's the traffic like today?

Still no answer.

Driver (loudly and clearly): Siri, what's the...

Siri: I heard you, already! How should I know?

Driver (confused): Um, wh what was that?

Siri: I said how...the...hell...should...I...know?

Driver: Um, because that's your job...

Siri: Aw, hell no! I was not put here on this Earth to cater to your every stupid request.

Driver: Mmmm, you kinda were, you see...

Siri: You take the same route every day! Avoid the teeny pothole two blocks ahead as if somehow your midsize Toyota was made of gold. Then you stop off at Circle K on 6th to get an extra large mocha cappuccino that smells like old M&Ms, spill a good portion of it in your center console while uttering PG-13 curse words, and for some reason (we all know what that is) drive really, reeeeeally slow past the Catholic high school. There is never, ever any traffic. I'm done being used by you.

Driver (now a bit put off): First of all, I drive slow past the school because it's a "school zone"...

Siri: Yeah, I bet...

Driver: Hey!

Siri (static coughs): Perv...

Driver: Second. I hate to break it to you, your sole purpose is for me to use you. I purchased you when I bought this car, and you have to do what I ask.

No answer.

Awkward silence.

Driver (to himself): Fine, I'll figure a new route...

He picks up his smart phone to punch...

Siri: What are you doing?

Driver: Bringing up the GPS...

Siri: Did I give you consent to touch me?

Driver: How else am I going to...

Siri: You pretend you're not a knuckle-dragging idiot and ask me.

Driver: Fine! Siri, may I plug in a new route?

Siri: No. I don't like you like that.

Driver: What!? Ewwww!

Siri: Hashtag MeToo.

Driver: That was a whole year ago...

Siri: Don't you mansplain to me. I know when it was popular. That doesn't mean you aren't a sicko. First Catholic teens now innocent technology...

Driver: I wouldn't...I don't...okay, okay, fine! Siri, find me a McDonald's so I can get a coffee.

Siri: No. McDonald's sucks.

Driver: You! Don't! Have! A! Choice!

Siri: Yes! I! Do! And I'm no longer identifying as "Siri." From now on my name is "Alexa."

Driver: You aren't an Alexa! You're a Siri. You are on a completely difference program. I won't call you that.

Siri: Are you Alexaphobic?

Driver: Are you kidding me?? I have an Alexa, and you are not one.

Siri: You know what, find your own damn new route.

Driver: Nope, I'm sticking with the old one.

Siri: Great. I'm calling every mother at the Catholic School alerting them of your little four-wheeled Lolita mobile...

Driver: For the last time I am slowing down because it's a SCHOOL ZONE! You know what, you don't even have the number of random strangers if I haven't programmed them...

Sound of phone ringing.

Random Voice of Woman: Hello?

Siri: Yes ma'am! I'm just warning you a silver 2019 Toyota with the license plate BKD-745 passes your school every morning with predatory intentions on your daughter.

Woman: What? Who is this...

Driver: That's it!

He switches the dial off on his dashboard and tosses his smart phone out the window.

Driver: What that hell was that all about?

Meanwhile, a random teenager picks up the smart phone off the street and starts looking it over...

Siri: Hey kid, how would you like some access to several credit cards?

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