It started out with a bang with Hillary Clinton campaigning with Elizabeth Warren. It hit lower points for her late in the week as email-gate reared its head again. There is no chance of an indictment, but even if there were, at this point, would it really impede her chances of winning? She’s running against Donald Trump after all—that Donald Trump of racist and anti-Semitic Tweets fame. On top of that, any bumps in the road regarding her emails this week were offset by an endorsement of her by the one and only Dolly Parton. Yes, she’ll be working 9 to 5 for Hillary, at $12 an hour, or $15 in jurisdictions like New York and D.C. which are leading the way.
There has been some excitement, but typically this is a dull point in the campaign season. One thing always saves us from boredom, though: Veepstakes. Thank goodness for that. What else would we do between the end of the primaries and the conventions? Let’s face it: The Vice President doesn’t do that much unless the President cannot perform her or his duties. I feel like the role was invented just to keep us entertained speculating on who it will be.
I am very curious about who will wind up being Clinton’s pick. Does she go with a safe choice, like Tim Kaine? Does she go with someone who will strengthen her support among white men, or do we just let go of that demographic entirely as a lost cause? Does she excite progressives with Elizabeth Warren or Sherrod Brown? Does she energize Latino voters with a first, like Julian Castro or Tom Perez? I keep Googling all the top contenders and frankly, I just can’t decide. And then I remind myself that I am actually not part of her inner sanctum and the choice is not on me. Even if I use all my power and reveal my top pick for her, her campaign chairman John Podesta may not say, “Hold on. Stop everything. Blogger Hilary Schwartz has made her choice known.”
So instead, I am going to focus on Donald Trump’s pick, as painful as it is for me to even write his name. So let’s go over the top contenders:
- Newt Gingrich. With six wives between them, this is the ultimate Republican family values ticket. Gingrich is at the top of many lists. And why not? With a Clinton on the Democratic side, why not play on nostalgia and bring back a classic rivalry from the 1990s. Boyz II Men could do the theme song.
- Chris Christie. Why the Governor of New Jersey? It’s simple. Tony Soprano is not available. As both the Donald and Christie seem like the most verbally abusive men in politics, I call this the bully ticket of the century. One may think having two tough alpha men together would not work, but Christie has proven himself to be submissive to two things: Donald Trump and an ice cream cone.
- Mike Pence. He’s from Indiana. That’s all I know.
- A woman. This is an opportunity for Trump to prove he doesn’t think all women are pigs. Although chances are the only woman he would pick would be a former Miss Universe contestant.
- That thing on Trump’s head. Donald’s hair is such a force of its own, maybe he should just take it off and call it his VP.
- Florida Governor Rick Scott. Trump could go the opposite way. His hair is so distracting it may be wise to go with a bald man.
- Bernie Sanders. The Democratic runner up wants to do everything in his power to defeat Trump except support the woman who could actually defeat him. The Vice Presidential role is traditionally the attack dog and is there anyone better at attacking Democrats than Bernie Sanders? He continues to prove that daily. He may as well make it official and become the Republican running mate.
- Bill Clinton. Granted, if you were going to have a top secret meeting with the Attorney General about your wife’s FBI investigation, there may be better ways to do it than out in the open on an airport tarmac. But it was such a silly self-sabotaging error that Trump may want to capitalize on Bill’s tendency to stick his foot it in it. (It’s funny how I’ve always heard that Hillary could benefit from having more of Bill’s political skill. In reality, he could benefit from having more of his wife’s discipline.)
- Hillary’s email server. This has been an issue that has dogged Hillary throughout the campaign, even though if I asked any most Americans what an email server is, the answer would, “It’s … you know. That thing for email … Is it a cloud? Oh, leave me alone!” Although it may be a bit awkward to campaign with a huge electronic device, as the investigation concludes, it may be Trump’s best chance to keep that story alive. Besides, he would make history as the first presidential candidate to pick an inanimate object as a running mate, if you don’t count Al Gore.
- Drum roll … my final, best pick for Trump’s running mate: Anyone who will say yes. Really, if anyone is willing to show their face in public with Donald Trump for the next few months, just grab that fool.
Anyone who will say yes. Hey, at this point, if you’re actually willing to go around with Donald Trump for the next several months, the slot is yours.
Hilary Schwartz is a comedian and writer based in NYC with love (and hate) for politics. She is a regular contributor to Political Storm.