I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl...

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By Being Feminist (originally published by Being Feminist in January 2013)

Oedipus references aside, did you know we’re at war? Again. I know. You’d think we’d be tired of fighting so much. According to Fox News—so you know it’s the gospel truth—we’re being reminded of the perennial War on Christmas (I actually think they have that one trademarked). And the never-ending War on Christianity. The War on Morality and The Family. And the fact that President Obama winning a second term is, in and of itself, an out-and-out war, if not the death, of America as we know it. But I learned of a new war today. Did you know there’s a War on Men? (Albeit old-fashioned, God-fearing, it-goes-without-saying white, marriageable men.) Shocking, huh? And guess what? It’s all my fault. And probably yours too. As those “f-word” women, we did this. Which I find ironic, since I’m a pacifist.

You want proof, you say? Here’s the article by Suzanne Venker: I will henceforth refer to her as Suzy Homemaker.

According to this article, Suzy Homemaker says that based on her findings, there’s a “subculture” of men who don’t want to get married. We’ll call them “sub-men.” The reason these sub-men don’t want to get married isn’t because society as a whole might be evolving or that men might feel a little bit of freedom themselves, not having to follow the Ward Cleaver path of traditional gender roles. It’s because of women. Feminist women, to be exact. You and me and our mothers and our daughters. Because we’re not really women anymore. We’re mutants. Evil, queen-of-the-hill mutants. Roooaaarrr!

You want to know why? Warning: this may shock you. It’s because we went to college. Because we had the unmitigated gall to pursue our dreams or an actual career path. Because SOMEONE had the audacity to tell us as girls that we could be anything we wanted to be. And that it might be a good idea to be able to take care ourselves. All because we dared to believe that we deserve equality—to not be viewed as property, the help; to ask for equal pay, equal access to healthcare; to vote, to have control over our own reproductive choice, to have our own voice. But now men don’t want us. Why should they? The damnable liberal media has turned us into angry, ball-busting, men-hating she-thugs who are upsetting the natural order of the world.

That’s right. According to this article, these “sub-men” don’t find us attractive wife material. It couldn’t possibly be because some of them just might be immature, or selfish, or see no need for a wife because they’re still living in their parents’ basement, jacking off to Internet porn while mommy pours their Froot Loops every morning, makes their dinner, washes their Star Wars sheets that she tucks them into every night. It couldn’t possibly be because perhaps any modern woman with half a brain and a speck of self-respect might think these “marriageable” men, with their antiquated attitudes, might be weak or just assholes.

Take some of our more illustrious public servants in my home state of Tennessee. Three of these fine, upstanding, Christian, family-values-professing gentlemen have recently been charged with spousal abuse. Look what we’re missing out on, sisters! Surely it’s not because they might be gay and don’t yet want to come out, or any other number of possible reasons. Yes, we, the evil She-Devils have stripped these poor innocent men of their true nature—the innate desire to provide for and protect the “little woman” and his bountiful offspring. We’ve been brainwashed to think don’t need them.

According to Suzy, it’s in their DNA to be the caretaker. And because women in our society had the audacity to evolve, and these men haven’t, they don’t want to marry us anymore. (Are we sad about this? Not I. I mean really, do these “sub-men” sound like marriage material to you? Nah, me neither. Maybe to the Duggars, though.)

The DNA thing—I find that interesting because I’ve always heard just the opposite. That men are hard-wired to want to spread their seed and propagate the species. Isn’t that why those old Bible dudes had so many wives? (But I probably learned that in college, so, well, you know….. evil.)

But I will admit, dear Suzy, you could be on to something. I’m sure there are plenty of women who would be happy to find one of these nurturing he-men. I’m sure they would love a respite from the backbreaking work they do, holding down sometimes two or three jobs just to get by. To be able stay home and cook, clean, darn socks, watch Dr. Oz and eat bonbons. All while wearing pearls and heels and worshiping at the feet of The Husband, perched atop his pedestal. But most of us, we’re too angry now to deserve this—the good life. We, like the dithering ninnies that we are, have burned this opportunity to ashes along with our bras. Ye Gads, what have we done? Was it worth it? Hell yeah.

But wait! There’s more. Behold these lovely nuggets of wisdom (Suzy’s words in italics):

It’s all so unfortunate—for women, not men. Feminism serves men very well: they can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever.

How is this not advantageous for women as well? Because we’re tainted, used goods after we’ve had a sexual relationship with someone other than our betrothed? And WHY isn’t there responsibility on both parts? I guess she’s never lived with anyone besides her parents and her husband. Any fool who has even had a roommate knows about shared responsibility. Does she think that with non-married couples living together, the woman does all the work (like in a “traditional” marriage) and that the man has the freedom to come and go as he pleases, not pay rent, or even put down the toilet seat? Out of touch, deary?

It’s the women who lose. Not only are they saddled with the consequences of sex, by dismissing male nature they’re forever seeking a balanced life.

Women are saddled with the consequences of sex? Really? Or do you mean the stigma of not being a virgin anymore? The horror! Or is she talking about children and having to raise and support them alone? Really?Really?? Last time I checked, there were laws that held men responsible for those “consequences.” And may I add that I know several single mothers who have actually thrived without the “balance” of a dead-beat, worthless sperm donor. And some who have had no other choice but to take on both roles. Because of “male nature.” Ever watch Teen Mom, Mrs.Thang? I highly recommend it. If there were more men worthy of Mrs.Thang’s brand of worship, you can bet there would be a lot more women bellying up to that altar.

So if men today are slackers, and if they’re retreating from marriage en masse, women should look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they’ve played to bring about this transformation.

I can tell you what role I’ve played. Since the age of, oh, probably around 8, I’ve seen through this bullshit. My grandmother was married and raised 7 children in a 4-room house. She was treated, basically as nothing more than the hired help. She never worked outside the home. Never had a driver’s license. She was a good Christian wife. Always obeyed her husband.

But she was smart —a voracious reader—and quick as a whip. Clever, but unfulfilled. I can remember when we would visit, all the women would spend what seemed like hours in the kitchen cooking a meal. This was while the men sat on their asses in the living room watching sports, talking, spitting tobacco spit into an old orange juice can—whatever the hell they did.

After all the food was prepared and set out—guess who ate first? Not the kids, I can tell you that. It was the men. And the women and kids ate what was left. I remember pointing out how unfair this practice was. My first taste of feminism. And years later, when I divorced my first husband, my grandmother told me that she would have done the same if she’d only had another option.

Herein lies the crux of this article and this issue: the “subculture of men” don’t want us to have options. Or equality, a voice, or power. Or choices. They want things to be like they were in the “good old days.” That’s evident by the astounding amount of anti-women legislation that we see trotted out all the time. Make birth control illegal. Overturn Roe v. Wade. Redefine rape. Protect “traditional marriage.” Not punish abusers. These “sub-men” are pissed. They’re not in control anymore. But I’ll be damned if they’re not trying every trick in the book to subjugate us again. But as Mrs.Thang stated, women have changed. And we are NOT going back. Ever.

Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature—their femininity—and let men surrender to theirs. Yes, it’s that easy.

Dye your hair blonde, put on your push-up bra and high heels, deny your intelligence, act weak and vulnerable. And for God’s sake, put on some make-up. Oh, and bake something.

If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork.

And by “marriageable” Suzy means misogynistic, controlling masters. No thanks. They can stay in the woodwork. And they can take their doormats with them.

Suzy Homemaker and future doormats, may I explain to you what a real “marriageable” man is? He’s a man who respects women, all women. A man who treats his partner as his equal—not his property, a subordinate, or some type of extension of himself. A man who shares responsibility and doesn’t think it’s his place to delegate it. A man who is a woman’s champion in whatever she wishes to do. A man who believes a woman should have freedom to be who she is born to be, to achieve her loftiest goals, and to understand that she can have a life separate from his. A man who is secure enough in his masculinity not to be threatened by a woman’s strength, intelligence, and talents. To me, that’s a strong man. Marriage material. And fortunately, I just described my husband.

If Suzy is going to lay blame, she should lay it where it belongs:squarely at the feet of Rush Limbaugh and her beloved Fox News. All of us femi-nazis know that this propaganda of hate and fear is at least partially responsible in creating this subculture of man-children. My advice to the sub-men? Turn off your radio and switch the channel on your TV. Read a freaking book. (Might I suggest Flight Behavior by Barbara Kingsolver?) Talk to someone who might not share your views. In other words, grow a pair. And get the hell out of the dark ages. Guess what, we don’t really want you here with the real women until you grow up and get a grip on reality. Good luck with that. We’re rooting for you. We really are.

War on men. Pffft. Those of us college-educated She-Devils know that if we wanted to wage war, it would be very simple. In fact, there’s an instruction manual as close as our local library. It’s called Lysistrata.

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